finding my way [entries|friends|calendar] bella [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

hahahaha! [ Tuesday.December 15th.2009] Most of the drama has died down, with a long and unexpected apology received. Lucky, because I was starting to worry that I had turned into one of my most hated characters of all time: Dawson Leery. (post)?(0)

[ Sunday.December 13th.2009] hitting on my friends was the only deal breaker i had for our friendship. it seems you have made your decision now and our friendship was clearly not as important to you as it was to me. I guess thats it. (post)?(0)

[ Wednesday.December 9th.2009] You know I probably wont speak to you again? Well, I know you probably dont feel the need to apologise. (post)?(0)

[ Tuesday.November 17th.2009] I am allowed to be angry and upset about this aren't I? Clearly she (my best friend and room mate) has gone behind my back and contacted him. A boy that I told her I really needed a break from. She has done this to benefit herself and to hell with how that makes me feel. but the worst thing, the thing that bothers me the most, is he will love the attention. and he wont even give me a second thought. So i still sit here waiting for his apology... and I'm starting to think that if it never comes then perhaps it is time to burn bridges. for good this time. (post)?(0)

[ Wednesday.November 4th.2009] your actions show me that you really have no respect for me. not as an ex-whatever-we-were, but as a friend.  your actions embarrassed me and made me very uncomfortable. because you are meant to be my friend.  i am the one that sticks up for you, and defends you, every time you fuck up, and there have been a lot of fuck ups!! thats all i can say right now. it kinda hurts to think about it.  it's actually drawn me back into that angsty persona that i thought was long gone... i guess this means my journal should be getting a work out from here on in. (read)?(post)?(2)

[ Friday.October 30th.2009] (APRIL?  I haven't posted since april?!?!  oh the shame!!) My good friend from highschool is getting married tomorrow, the first wedding of the group, and with many to follow in the near future. I feel old and alone. (read)?(post)?(2)

songs for you, truth for me [ Thursday.April 2nd.2009] I am considering turning my journal into a lyrics journal. songwriters seem to be able to convey my emotions so much better than I can. (post)?(0)

boys like girls [ Thursday.April 2nd.2009] The following lyric describes my current mood perfectly: "I want to scream, until no sound comes out and you've learned your lesson." (post)?(0)

[ Wednesday.April 1st.2009] I want to be successful at something I enjoy doing. I suppose if I was successful at something, anything, I might enjoy doing it... (post)?(0)

[ Wednesday.April 1st.2009] he describes me to a tee when explaining what he is looking for in a girl. my likes, my hobbies, my sense of humour. we are friends. I don't want him as more than a friend. but I'm not sure why he doesn't want me... that's not me being presumptuous or arrogant either.  i don't think that I am fantastic, and I don't think that anyone would/should particularly like me and want to be with me. BUT he describes me, what he is looking for. we talk all the time, i am probably one of the closest friends he has ,and we have been together in the past. so surely i can be forgiven for jumping to conclusions (or being confused by the lack of a conclusion), right?! why is all of what he describes, coming from me, just not good enough.  is it because it comes from me? I think that I just need to know why that isn't enough from me. why his perfect girl is someone exactly like me, just not me. I don't think I can ask him this, for fear of bringing up a million other issues (including the fact that he thinks I like him as more than a friend, at least he used to think that) I'm sick of writing about boys. even when there is a severe lack of them in my life. (post)?(0)

speed dating [ Friday.March 27th.2009] 2 nights ago I went speed dating... yep, where you sit down at a table and 17 guys rotate around the room (4.5 minute conversation with each).  I thought it would be a fun experience, a bit of a laugh with a couple of my girl friends.  of course their was that naive hope that I might meet the boy of my dreams (by now I should really be referring to him as "man" not "boy") i ended the night feeling okay, but over the course of the last 2 days I have had a reaction that was quite unexpected.  so far i have had 3 responses, 3 guys have contacted me asking if or when  i would like to catch up with them for a drink or something... and instead of making me feel flattered or happy, it has only given me this sick, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had a catch-up with my ex the night after I went speed dating, and dont get me wrong i have no real unresolved feelings for him, but it made me think of how things worked out with all of my past relationships (if you can call them that).  things are meant to just happen!  this was so forced! i dont like that i had to actively go out and try to set myself up with someone.  i wish that i could just meet someone nice, on my own terms, not in a group environment where you are forced into a situation that is more like a job interview than a date.  i dont know if any of this is making sense, i dont suppose it matters all that much, but this nervous/skeptical feeling in my gut is really bugging me. and at one time, not so long ago, i used to write down everything that was going on in my head... maybe i thought this would help with how i'm feeling... I don't know if i am going to catch up with any of these boys.  i wasnt particularly attracted to anyone on the night (which i guess could be the real disapointing part of this whole experience.  it just shows that i can meet 17 different guys and not find a connection wih any of them... maybe there is just no hope out there for me. maybe i should stop overanalysing and just meet these guys for a coffee or something, at least give them the benefit of the doubt before writing off the entire situation. ahhhhhhh i am so messed up! here i have 3 guys that want to get to know me and I am tossing up whether or not to contact any of them at all.  and then i go and complain that i am alone and that i really want a boyfriend.  i am a mess of contradictions and i know i should probably apologise for that. but not tonight. thanks for listening xx (if anyone is still listening out there - i'm hoping to get back to writing in here a little more often than i have been) (read)?(post)?(1)

[ Friday.October 10th.2008] In my writing I often switch forms. subconsiously? "I hate him" eventually turns into "You don't deserve me." I feel like maybe, when I am pouring my heart out, I begin to make my words sound more like a letter... perhaps my mind is telling me that I need to actually say these things to certain people, rather than just write about them anonymously. (read)?(post)?(1)

time to move on already!!! [ Tuesday.September 30th.2008] It still guts me every time I think of them together.  in the bed where I used to sleep.  and cuddle. he was cute.  and funny.  and insensitive.  and probably thought he was too good for me. what makes her so much better?  she’s younger.  not really that much prettier. he used to make me giggle. blush. but I was not enough for him. I’m not a forever kind of girl. why couldn’t it work for me? why could it work for her? I bet it always works for her.  it still hurts.  alone again like I was at the beginning. I liked him.  a lot.  but I guess there were also many things that I didn’t like about him. we never really talked. he was never really that into me. maybe a little in the beginning. writing doesn’t help.  he’s still with her.  happy.  I’m still alone.  as always. I didn’t fit into his life. I was never convenient.  I put in so much effort for him and got zero in return. it’s the same as every other time.  but why would I want to change that? I love with everything that I’ve got, never hold back too much.  is it too much to ask for the same in return.  just try. you never tried for me. (read)?(post)?(3)

a message to myself. a wake up call of sorts. [ Wednesday.September 24th.2008] You're kiddng yourself if you thought this wasn't going to hurt a little. You convince yourself that you just enjoyed the attention; a message sent every couple of days.  just knowing that someone out there was thinking of you.  not necessarily in a romantic sense. but thinking about you.  thinking that they are interested in how you are. that they think you're worth talking to. that they want to keep in touch with you. But you don't expect to see or hear much from him now. once again hitting home the reality that all i am was is a distraction. It's not that big of a deal that he has found himself a girlfriend. you're just friends and he has made it abundantly clear that's all you will ever be. besides, you don't even want to be his girlfriend. you're at least sure of that. So why is this hard to stomach? because once again someone around you is moving on with their life while you just sit here.  feeling sorry for yourself.   (post)?(0)

[ Tuesday.August 19th.2008] today work sucks, the end. (post)?(0)

fuck you [ Friday.July 4th.2008] I am over you. Now you just need to get over yourself!!  (read)?(post)?(1)

[ Monday.June 16th.2008] maybe I'm too jaded, to love somebody like you. (post)?(0)

[ Wednesday.April 23rd.2008] I'd love to... but... how hard is it to just tell me 'no' ? (post)?(0)

[ Monday.April 21st.2008] we slept together, curled up on the couch all night, his arms never left me. "you know it means something"... it always means something. just not enough apparently. (post)?(0)

[ Monday.March 31st.2008] you were never more than a blip on his radar don't kid yourself that you'll ever be more to anyone else (read)?(post)?(2)

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